BeBe Gets Wordy

I miss you

Memories awaken and flood me
Like sunlight through dirty glass
The etched smells of then, of you
Blanket what's left of me

I lost you

I miss you

Memories awaken and flood me
Like sunlight through dirty glass
The etched smells of then, of you
Blanket what's left of me

I lost you

Lines of expect

I failed in my own attempts

To reconstruct the walls I’ve built

Words of reminders

Regrets that came too late

Gape mouthed in awe of how this became

Dirty blank notebooks

Unwritten problems that I’ve tried to solve

In the light of your pride

Barefoot and running

Blind and reading in a mute man’s voice

I deafly hear you enough to understand

Waded, waist high, I stood for you

Every move made, photographed, remembered

Step into step into dance, I watched

Possessing every breath inside my mouth

Skin scaled, rattled, chipped, in this cold morning

Bumps raised on arms, piecing together sections never before seen

Wading, waist high, I stand for you

Bated cries, sobs, laughter, as appearing may happen

Hair curled by my mother’s mother, with no heat involved

Pass by, no look, no sound, no breath of anger

Just silenced.

Hand, outreach, pinned to the ground, my legs won’t move

Farther and farther the space has thrived between us

Wade, waist high, Standing for you

Years speak their verses across my face

The graying tone, and sickly matter envelops me

Lights brighten and dim as sections of life pass

In my place

Can’t move, does not transmute

Indulged in too much of you

Wavy, misleading

As I watched the day pass from my chair

The only view is that of a tree, a chair, and lantern

Lightless lantern

Sun changed sides left to right

Light never wavered

Moved, I tried

What if I missed?

What if you had looked?

I stay solid, in wait.  In case.

Your eyes drop into my hands

But what I’ve touched remains a secret

I stare up towards where I think you should be

And see nothing but distance

Breathing, panting, moan

Restless sheets wrapped on a restless body

Airless fan hitting dense space, unmoving

In my chair, my place

Staring through the same window

Waiting upon wait

Praying upon prayer

I missed

Crumbs of trails we swore we’d follow back

I can’t keep up with what light you’re giving

Maps of other times and music plays

Craving the night, but secretly praying for sun

Next time I’ll be braver

Sticks and dirt cover where we’ve been

Where we go is uncharted

Mix of excitement and disdain frame your eyes

Careful not to let me in or know

Careful not to show

It’s getting dark, I silently remind myself

Though the pace is not engorged, like the swell of my hands

I’m in here screaming

To the sounds of crickets and broken night sounds

No camera’s or curtain calls

Waiting for you to come around

Believing it to be true

Then it must be

I dove too deep for this

Sacrificing breath after breath 

Moments of life gone

To find the finish line

But the ribbon has already been torn

Arms drenched and fatigued

Can’t fight back up

Given up to watch the surface fade

As the darker portions of surrounding water

Encompass more than just lungs

Celebrate the victor

All of her songs breathless from her lips

Slight blessings leave me deaf to the surroundings

With no remembrance

Only fools believe it will work

Only fools believe at all

Lessons learned work only in theory

Once bitten less shy

It.

Will.

Be.

Different.

We tell ourselves.

We convince ourselves.

We lie.

i bend like no other matter
i can contort and mold to your expectations
i can utilize the various actions and promises you say you have for me
but you left
i fake a smile
behind my eyes there are the pools of your memory
but I strain to contain them
i see your images and hear your voice
i feel you beside me
but then its just a faint realization that your not really with me
i bide my time and cancel my reservations
i walk past your resting state
and feel none of God’s graces
I sense a loathing sight of him and wait for his faint places
but to this day and evermore
I will need no replacement

Would that change a thing?

To not have memorized your speech

your breath.

Would it make a difference now, without this

to not have known how you taste before sleep

to not have tasted?

Is it worth, trading these 2190 days of knowing you, 

for a lifetime of not knowing how it felt to say

Goodbye to you.